bashasgarden

Thanksgiving weekend--lots of good food, lovely company, and some time for reflection. Last year at this time I did not know that my husband had a life-threatening, rare illness, and I was still at my old job--although sending out resumes, as the work-flow had dried up to almost nothing.

One year later--we have not faced any major changes, yet with the diagnosis there is always something on my mind about him.

I entered some paintings in a show, and when I lost my job in May was able to devote some time to creating new paintings. I submitted some images to a non-profit art org, and was accepted into another show. So--two shows this year.

Started working again for a new employer, but I know in my heart that I will not be there for long. The job culture is too unhappy, and my workload too extreme. When I make mistakes, I am treated badly. I do not defend my self, as I really don't want to be there. There are some things about the job I do like, and am learning a few things. I do not feel liked there, and my ego is struggling with that. But I am keeping restraint of tongue and pen, and talking to others outside about my experiences. So as long as I can pick up the check each week, I will keep showing up, until they say not to. At least the days fly by.

Because I was truthful with unemployment about turning down a job that I felt wasn't right for me, I lost my unemployment for the time being. I did reply to an inquiry letter that allowed me to plead my case, but they don't seem to have room for one to turn down a reasonable offer of work. I had to explain why, in my case, it didn't seem like a reasonable offer. We shall see if they will allow me to continue on unemployment, as I might need it if this current job ceases. Also the transition into the new place was taxing, and as I am getting older such transitions are harder. However, retirement is out of the question, for at least three years, and we need to find a way even then to do it. We need to explore selling the barn, or selling some acreage that we have, but are in doubt as to whether we could even sell it. It is a luxury problem. I am praying for a way to earn a living that doesn't sap all my energy. Sometimes I feel that I made the wrong choices, but I know that is self-pity, and I also know I did the best I could, with my character defects and all.

Wow, re-reading the above, I see that I am in my usual winter-approaching mode of thought--which calls for a remedy of a bright light next to my face in the morning.

I clicked on Laughing Knees, and he seems to have stopped writing in his weblog. Maybe it is just the way it goes. It becomes too much of a burden, when life heats up and gets very busy. There is only so much energy for such things. When I was sitting in front of my computer at my old job for two years, with the uneasiness of knowing that there wasn't much work coming in, and running out of ancillary projects to make up, writing in the blog was a minor pasttime, and helped to while away the time. Now, time is precious, and I am not too connected to writing here so much.

However, I appreciate the comments from those who click here every so often, and I hope you have a great holiday weekend, and can find a lot to be thankful for in your lives. I am working on the awareness that I choose what I think, and when I feel the sadness rising up--whether it is seasonal, or whether it is the unknowing of what is to come with my husband, I try to choose life and love and this moment. Sometimes it is harder than other times to do that but it is worth the effort.