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My vision is to create a business from my garden, so that I can afford to leave my job, have the garden as income, and paint and write. I also want my customers to read the story of my garden, look at pictures, and get an idea of the process of the work of the garden.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I just re-read my previous posts, and have to admit I have spent the last few weeks in an anguish of sorts. Don't know why I let my anxiety rule my life, but I do. I went to an AA meeting yesterday, and I went to the same meeting last Sunday, and at both meetings I got the same message--I need to meditate.

I have not been doing so. But I did some yesterday morning, and today. And both days I had a sense of peace. So for two days, I have let go of my financial anxiety enough to have some quality time. With my husband, with my dog, and with myself.

We have been slowly taking actions on selling our place. Some of the actions are internal, letting go. Grieving. Others are talking to people. We haven't arrived at whether we will even sell, yet. But my financial anxiety pushes me to push my husband, and together we manage to take small actions. I wish I could be more like him--he refuses to get upset about anything. I get upset about everything. Not having an income upsets me more than anything, but he seems to feel that as long as there is something in the savings, there is no need to panic.

I have been working--but it was supposed to be long-term, and I think we will wind up the job at the end of this week. Then I will have to generate another temp job, or something. I am thinking of applying for rural letter carrier. My uncle did that for years, and my father was a letter carrier, so it kind of runs in the family. I think I would like driving around the country roads, listening to tapes, and putting mail in mailboxes. But I might not like it at all. It just seems like a better choice than going into yet another corporation and doing something there, either on the computer or telephone, or whatever. Dressing to fit the part. I am getting so tired of all of that. Yet, I need to keep on moving, to bring in the income, or we have to sell. Today, I am more willing to find the spiritual solution. To seek God's will, instead of insisting on mine.

More willing, but I know myself, and I am not totally willing. But for today, I meditated, I enjoyed the morning with my husband and with the dog, and we did some work in the kitchen together. Tonight I am going to another meeting with my sponsee, and tomorrow I will go back to work at the temp job. I have been delighted with my fellow temp workers on this project. We have talked together and laughed together for four weeks, and I have grown to love them.

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