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My vision is to create a business from my garden, so that I can afford to leave my job, have the garden as income, and paint and write. I also want my customers to read the story of my garden, look at pictures, and get an idea of the process of the work of the garden.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

My last remaining coworker in the editorial department gave his notice today. That just leaves me, all alone in editorial. It's still a roller-coaster ride here.

I went out to lunch with three current coworkers, including him, and two former coworkers, who were let go in the June cut, and he told us then. I am working on my reactions to events, and so while I feel sad, I am trying to just feel the sadness, and not take it any further.

Am trying to meditate every day. I have a goal of meditating every day for 90 days. Already I have more emotional balance, as experience in returning to the present, which is what meditation teaches me, shows me that I do not have to control anything.

One lesson of my life so far is that I do not know what is best for me, I do not know what is going to happen, and I am not in control. I just need to show up and everything plays out as it is supposed to. If I find some love in all of that, all to the better.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Tonight we have our garden club picnic held every year at Eileen's house. She has a screened-in pergola perched alongside a creek that runs behind her house. Our dog is welcome, and that makes us (especially my husband) happy. We are asked to bring a dish created from our garden, for those who do grow vegetables and herbs. Because my husband is home he has agreed to make the dish we will bring, which will be potato salad from our new, red potatoes. Swimsuits are optional this year, as Eileen and her husband have offered up their pool for us to use. Unless it is really hot, I will bypass that option, as it is just too much fun to chat with my garden club colleagues. I have missed a lot of the garden club these past two years that I have been working an hour away from home, as we start at 6:00 promptly, and frequently we can't get up to the church on time where the garden tours caravans start unless I leave work early. This time, it is come when you get there, because we don't have to follow each other. I did manage two wonderful house and garden tours this summer, old, old revolutionary era homes and magical garden spaces in the nearby areas. Most of the places we go to see are hidden, so unless you know the people, the only way to see some of the places is through a garden club.

I am struggling with a lot of feelings over a friend of 20 years ending our relationship. It has been a difficult one for the past year, with expectations on her part that have been hard for me to live up to. I have deeply disappointed her, but it is not because I intended to. And for me, I have felt as if I am "not enough," for her, in what she wants from me. We tried to talk it over, but there is a basic difficulty in understanding each other. And I have been feeling more and more defensive whenever we either talk on the phone or get together. I have been running whatever I could remember of our conversations by other, trusted confidantes. And I have only been supported on my end, and others have even wondered why I have been hanging on to this friendship. But we have a long history together, and I felt that we could work through our difficulties. I am going to journal my thoughts and feelings on our interactions, though not through this blog. I want to know if I am wrong, and if I am, how. And if I am not wrong, then, is there a way to salvage the relationship. Perhaps just letting it be for a while. Luckily, my husband understand exactly what I am going through with her, as they were also friends, even before she and I were, and he has not been able to stay with the friendship. I find her a brilliant, fiercely passionate person, with terrific ideas about things that I am interested in. But there is now an impasse. And I feel her blaming me for the impasse, where I see that she is being unrealistic in her demands on me.

I know that my alcoholism has crippled me, and I have been doing a lot of work in my sobriety to make the relationships I have better. And I am very interested in hearing another person's take on me, as I can't see myself clearly. But at some point, one has to say "enough!"

I am going to Al-anon, also, and trying to learn how to set boundaries without creating walls. I know that I have a lot to learn. So for now, this is a painful place for me, needing to get my own ego out of the way to look at what it is I am feeling, and to see if I can come to terms with her expectations of me. And does this also form a pattern with others? So far, the feedback from others is, no.

AA literature says that whenever I am upset about something, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with me. It is my task to find out what that is. It is usually self-centered fear, that I will lose something I have, or not get what I want.

But I feel sad, and not upset. Sad to be in this place. Not wanting to lose a friend, but not wanting to be in a relationship where I do not feel heard or respected.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Not much, not much, not much going on. Need to change my energy. Work is very slow.

Had a restful weekend, but did get some direct-seeding done for the fall. Hope it is not too late for the beets, bok choi, tat tsoi, and broccoli raab I planted. Also more beans. For the past few years, when it was so hot, all my fall seedlings got killed by the ravaging bugs in the heat, and I couldn't keep any cool weather crops going for fall. Maybe this year I will get lucky.

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