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My vision is to create a business from my garden, so that I can afford to leave my job, have the garden as income, and paint and write. I also want my customers to read the story of my garden, look at pictures, and get an idea of the process of the work of the garden.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

No work at work. The wheel turns again. Either it is too heavy or too light. Feeling kind of down, skies are grey. Things to do: work on seeds---maybe tomorrow. There's a good chance I will be home tomorrow, as we are anticipating a foot of snow, over slippery sleet-covered roads. If so, will definitely start seeds.

I kept saying on my posts that I was going to start the seeds, but we have had people working in the house on the heating system, and I wanted to wait until that all settled down. For one thing, to decide whether I would keep the germinating seeds in the pantry, or put them in the living room.

My elderly neighbor's dog died this past week. I went to see her on Sunday, and at first she said that she would not get another dog. I felt that that was her way of saying how much it hurt to feel the grief of losing the dog, and she didn't want to feel those feelings, so she wouldn't get another one. Then, by the time I left, she admitted that she would like to get another dog. I told her I would help her to find another one. I helped her find the last one, Bernadette, who lived with Rose for four years, until she died.

Monday, January 26, 2004

Today the workload has been light. I have been thinking of an article I read in yesterday's Sunday NY Times. I didn't want to read it, but I did. It is one of those articles that affects me in a very bad way. And since I plan to go to Mexico in March, I made myself read it, as it had to do in a great part about Mexico. The article is about sex slaves, young people and even children as young as toddlers, who are either kidnapped, coerced, or sold by their parents to ruthless men (and women) who transport them to the US and keep them in houses and apartments, and make money from the violation of their young bodies. It is a horrifying article, and it comes just after I watched a story on television about the same thing, though that program was about children in Southeast Asia.

The New York Times article is called The Girls Next Door. and has given me a lot to think about today. In a funny way I identify with these children, and have written about an experience I had when I was a newly living in New York City, many years ago when I was nineteen. This is not to make this about me, not at all, but having had that experience has taught me something about coercion, and violation. I have a lot more to write about, and will, in the coming days. But for now, my article is called The Crime of My Life.

Friday, January 23, 2004

I'm stealing a few minutes from my job here to post for a bit. The workload has been brutal--I have been going home with headaches every night this week, as 7.5 straight hours on the computer, under relentless deadline pressure has not been a pleasant task.

I did manage, however, to get up at 5 twice this week to go to a morning AA meeting, and like a thirsty wanderer in the desert, found messages to keep me calm in this workstorm.

Also, I was given a magnificent gift. I have a friend who has a large NYC apartment, which she and her husband have been using to exchange for vacation homes. So far they have been to Costa Rica and Florence and Rome, Italy. Now they have the use of a four-bedroom house in Mexico, and my friend invited me to come for a week.

Using the Internet to get a fairly decent price on a plane ticket, I am now going to Mexico!

So I have an anchor point to pull me through the difficult days at work. R & R in a sunny clime, and we are planning a trip to go see the Monarch butterflies.

Will start my seedlings this weekend, for sure.

Friday, January 16, 2004

Got a pleasant surprise from my brother yesterday. He e-mailed me to tell me that he was going to be on a PrimeTime Thursday segment. So we sat up until 11 pm to watch, as the segment he was on was the very last. After watching forty-five minutes of an incredibly bland interview with Jennifer Aniston by Diane Sawyer, the piece came on.

My brother was interviewed, talking about a fellow he went to high school with, who had a lot of severe physical and emotional problems. My brother said that he and others used to try to protect this other fellow, as the school bullies found him to be an easy target. Later, this fellow would meet up with a former Boston Bruins hockey player, now retired, who took an active interest in the man. Now, they live together, in a platonic way, and the hockey player has become the man's caretaker. "Rocket" is the man's name, and he has an amazing memory for theatre, songs, opera, etc. He has also played roles in two of the Farrelly brothers movies. My husband and I saw one, Stuck On You, recently.

Recently, the Farrelly brothers made a documentary about "Rocket," and my brother, who has had a long career in news journalism/video photographer, was the cameraman. So he was on the segment, which was about the life of "Rocket" and also the making of the documentary. My brother was interviewed at the beginning of the segment and at the end. He was also shown shooting part of the film. It was great fun to see him! My brother is outstanding at whatever he does, and will undoubtedly keep doing more and more interesting things. He is my inspiration, not only as a creative person, but as a human being. That he was protecting "Rocket" in high school does not surprise me in the least. He is a truly, lovely human being.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

We have HEAT!!! The heating company came and hooked up the furnace, filled the new oil tanks with oil, and, though they still need to come back to do the duct work, we can get heat up through the big grate in the living room where the heat from the old coal furnace used to come up.

Last night I could be in the house without wearing a heavy sweater, and hat, and I could sleep without wearing socks. Actually, it was even a bit too hot while we were sleeping, and we need to adjust accordingly. After the duct work is done, it might be different , because there will be another configuration for everything.

It also snowed last night, and driving to work was hair-raising, since none of the roads were thoroughly plowed, and I have to drive over rough conditions. I drove at 30-40 mph in my minivan, and there was a long line of SUVs behind me, but I didn't care. It is a good lesson for me to stick to my guns. I supposed I could have pulled over, and thought about it, but wasn't sure if I would be able to get back onto the road, since there was generally only a narrow lane of snow worn away enough for driving. Hope the roads are better when I go home tonight.

Well, since we have heat now, I can start my seedlings. Will try to germinate parsley, celery root, and some salad greens this weekend indoors. I haven't gotten my seed order delivered yet, but I have some seeds left over from last year.

Monday, January 12, 2004

Our house has been cold, cold, cooooold. This is what I am wearing to bed: nightgown, over acrylic leggings, with soft socks, plus a pull-down knitted hat. Then we have two down coverlets PLUS another lighter, quilt. As long as the top of my head is warm, I can sleep. Then there's body heat, of course. Plus, we can make the dog sleep on the bed. But with all the weight of the blankets, it is hard to move.

The beautiful, new furnace sits down in the basement, glowing with only its newness, as no fuel tanks have been delivered. Perhaps they will come this week? We are totally inept at getting people to do what they promised.

Neighbor Donald called last night, he too is freezing, or spending his time unthawing things, pipes, I can only imagine. But he has a gorgeous wall-sized fireplace, that throws quite a bit of heat. He does have oil heat, with water-pipes. We are getting forced-air.

It's not so bad. I would rather suffer than call the company to find out where they are. That's how I am. My husband, too.

But we have enough heat. It was sad to read of people in New York City, struggling with their various heating situations. People who are using their ovens as their source of heat. We've added to our lack of heat with the oven, but now have a kerosene heater in the kitchen that does just fine. Smells terrible, when it is first lit, and when it is put out, but in between, doesn't really smell at all.

Today and tomorrow are to be warmer, then cold sets in again.

Didn't you just know it, that the Bush administration had their mind set on invading Iraq long before 9/11? It was their number one priority, well, maybe number two, after giving the massive tax cut to the rich and corporations.

So how come only Dennis Kucinich was the only one to really express indignation last night?

Friday, January 09, 2004

Still saying the third step prayer. I am ashamed that I don't know it by heart, but I bring the Big Book of AA into the warm bathroom each morning, and get on my knees on a folded up towel, and say the prayer. It helps to get me right-sized and to remember that I am not in control.

I moved into a cube at work--such a funny space, a cube. I can hear others tap-tap-tapping on their keyboards, and in my department, it is otherwise very quiet, as we in editorial have to do the thinking and the creating. The other departments down the hall are a bit noisier, since they need to talk on the phone with clients and doctors who will be attending the meetings. Also they are more outgoing as a group, not introverted like us in editorial. Still, we have a close-knit department, and everyone supports each other, and we try to protect each other (necessary, as we can get dumped on by other departments, and we always face the worst deadline pressures in our department.)

The light is changing now, a bit more light when I leave work, and it just feels better than in December, when the tunnel of darkness closes all around. That's my birthday month, but I am always happy when the holidays are over, and January comes. Our house is still cold, as we await the arrival of the duct-work guys.

I watched TV last night, nothing new, but we watched "The Apprentice," reality show, whereby sixteen overeager entrepreneurial-types vie for a position with Donald Trump's organization. It was a lot of laughs, as he is a caricature of a businessman, though he must be very smart--he is still fun to make fun of, and he has very bad gilded taste in his apartment and furnishings. The sixteen people seem to have come by their mentality in the same books, all A-type driven-to-succeed. It is fun, though, and I know I need some business smarts, so maybe I can learn something. I have never had a competitive spirit, though, and would almost do anything else than try to beat out other people for something. My boss is always telling me that I am so modest, and nice, and have to push more. But I know that I will never change.

I am not as shy as I used to be, although truthfully, it really was self-consciousness. An inverse ego-thing, that I started to develop as a child, and have shed it gradually through my life, after I got sober and entered recovery. Self-love growing inside, caused me to lose the self-consciousness, so I can focus on others more, and not on what they are thinking of me. But in the business world, I will probably always feel more comfortable working alone.

Do enjoy the teaching, though, and that may have helped me a lot. It has been fun, and good to have to be "on stage" and to perform in a more theatrical way. I guess I have found more balance as I have gotten older. Lost some illusions, too.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

I apologize to everyone who tunes in to my weblog at times. I have not had the time to post. My job has been exceedingly busy since right before the holidays, and then I got the holiday blues when I was off, and don't seem to have the inclination to post when I am blue. Maybe I feel too exposed, and when I am blue, like a little wounded animal, just want to haul myself off to a corner, or a spider-hole, and hole up until it passes.

I have been getting on my knees each morning to say the third step prayer. I don't remember it by heart, because in all the years I have been sober, I rarely said this prayer, but now I am saying it. Because I see that everything is an illusion, and what I think will make me happy, will not make me happy. But it goes something like this, "please do with me what you will, lord, relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Please take away my difficulties, that I may better serve you and my fellow humans. Something like that.

Today, at work, worked my butt off (actually, I wish I could work my butt off, rather than go on a post-holiday diet, or join weight-watchers, but I got outside in the cold, cold air to jog on the towpath. It made a world of difference to be outside, running along the canal for forty-five minutes. The geese were out, the air was cold, and I thought of Wilheim Reich, who died in prison, and who invented the ongone box. I don't know too much about him, but I remember reading that he saw the energy that was in all things. I felt that I saw the energy in the water, in the air, in the sky--it was a remarkable sensation.

Found out today that I will be moving to a cubicle. Right now I am sitting in a squiggle, here at work. Sort of an open area where I have no privacy. Maybe in the cube, I will feel like I am hidden enough to do some blog-work. Actually, though, they are pretty good about what we do online, as long as we get the work done. It's just been brutal, lately, though, with the volume of work, with all the meetings coming up. I think they have signed some big contracts, though, so maybe next Christmas, we will get a visit from the bonus fairy.

I'll be back.

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