bashasgarden

Hello, everyone--not too much going on, dyed my hair red, actually using henna now. Everyone says they like it, everyone except my sister, but the only one I need to please is myself.

New job chugging along. Easier than I thought. Just takes time to adjust. And it's not that I want easy, because I would rather be very busy, and learning. I've learned some things, but it is not as busy as I thought it would be.

After not being able to paint much of the winter, I started again. Did a portrait of a friend with her little girl, as a gift. Very happy with it. Now that the days are longer, warmer, and I can get up early enough to work for an hour before I drive to work. I want to do enough and get ready for a show.

That's it. We thought we had to sell the house, but luckily, for now, we don't. My husband got a better bill of health than we thought he would get, and my job seems enough for us right now.

Well, I've landed a long-term temp job at a major pharmaceutical company, and it will last for one year. Apparently, they have to let you go after a year, due to some savvy temps suing Microsoft a while back and winning--they were temp status for years and years, trying to be absorbed into the company, but always having to stay temp with no benefits.

So now large companies hire temps--cheaper than a permanent position, and they let you go after one year. Luckily, I will be making enough to pay for our health insurance. Believe me, I am grateful, because I have been interviewing for permanent jobs, but haven't been hired.

Now I can breathe for a while. A sense of security. We can pay the mortgage and the health insurance. I am exploring a couple of other things to do on the side to bring in extra money, also. Home health care worker, for one--to do on weekend evenings or nights, and I am going to explore a home-party-type of business run by Crayola--can use my art background. I am afraid to do this, but I will at least explore it by getting information. I already signed up with the home health care agency, and my friends have gotten the forms so they can recommend me. I expect them to call me soon.

I will still have time to paint. I am definite about that. I get up very early, and can work for an hour to an hour and a half in my studio in the dawn before I go out to work. I am committing to 14 hours a week painting.

We are going to NY on Sunday and Monday to see the expert in my husband's illness. I think we are both nervous about that.

I am excited about the new temp job--I enjoyed my interviews, and I will be doing some internet research, and uploading stuff to the internet, as well as usual admin stuff--answering phones, and doing calendar work and other support work. The company is very large, and they might have a fitness center. I already did my research for local AA meetings, one in the early morning, and one at noontime. Now I will research Al-anon, also. There is a printmaking school nearby, and I am going to take a class in March.

We are talking to some people tomorrow who might be interested in buying our place.

Latest fantasies--moving to Portland, Maine, or moving to Paris for a year.

I just re-read my previous posts, and have to admit I have spent the last few weeks in an anguish of sorts. Don't know why I let my anxiety rule my life, but I do. I went to an AA meeting yesterday, and I went to the same meeting last Sunday, and at both meetings I got the same message--I need to meditate.

I have not been doing so. But I did some yesterday morning, and today. And both days I had a sense of peace. So for two days, I have let go of my financial anxiety enough to have some quality time. With my husband, with my dog, and with myself.

We have been slowly taking actions on selling our place. Some of the actions are internal, letting go. Grieving. Others are talking to people. We haven't arrived at whether we will even sell, yet. But my financial anxiety pushes me to push my husband, and together we manage to take small actions. I wish I could be more like him--he refuses to get upset about anything. I get upset about everything. Not having an income upsets me more than anything, but he seems to feel that as long as there is something in the savings, there is no need to panic.

I have been working--but it was supposed to be long-term, and I think we will wind up the job at the end of this week. Then I will have to generate another temp job, or something. I am thinking of applying for rural letter carrier. My uncle did that for years, and my father was a letter carrier, so it kind of runs in the family. I think I would like driving around the country roads, listening to tapes, and putting mail in mailboxes. But I might not like it at all. It just seems like a better choice than going into yet another corporation and doing something there, either on the computer or telephone, or whatever. Dressing to fit the part. I am getting so tired of all of that. Yet, I need to keep on moving, to bring in the income, or we have to sell. Today, I am more willing to find the spiritual solution. To seek God's will, instead of insisting on mine.

More willing, but I know myself, and I am not totally willing. But for today, I meditated, I enjoyed the morning with my husband and with the dog, and we did some work in the kitchen together. Tonight I am going to another meeting with my sponsee, and tomorrow I will go back to work at the temp job. I have been delighted with my fellow temp workers on this project. We have talked together and laughed together for four weeks, and I have grown to love them.

Can someone tell me how to fix the huge space that occurs either before my post or after?

Merry Merry to all!

I have secured a long-term temporary job for a few months, and have found the company to be a very pleasant place to work. I don't like the commute--it is in congested, fast traffic, but I am grateful to have the job. It gives me a bit more breathing space, and I need that right now.

Unemployment came through and sent me all the checks it had been withholding--so that increases the breathing space. Whew!

We have started a few processes--looking into selling some of our land--and finding out if we can do that from the township--and of course, if the neighbor is really interested in purchasing the land.

We are also looking into selling the whole place--at least starting to talk with realtors to find out what the current prices are for comparable properties in the neighborhood. All of this is very challenging for me. We are talking with friends, and others who can help guide us through some very tricky processes.

It's challenging in the letting go part also. So much to let go of. Visions, dreams, fears, all to let go of. Old visions will turn into new ones, I am told. We will all lose everyone and everything in the end, but the process of letting go does not come easy. One day at a time, I will try each day to live in the moment, to cherish the moment, to pray to be guided to know what is the best, and to be able to let go, and trust in the goodness of the future. Not to fall into fear, anxiety, and dread, and loss.

A little bit of time has gone by since my last post, and I still have not found work. I am sending out letters and resumes now, but so far, no work. Tomorrow I will call temp agencies, and see if I can work this week. If nothing materializes, I will continue to do as I have been. Unemployment is making a decision this week as to whether I will be able to get some money from them.

Well, my intuition was right. The new employer let me go this week. I was on a freelance basis with them for the time being, and they were treating it as a very long interview for a full-time job. I worked very hard there, but it wasn't enough. I brought a bunch of skills to them that they wanted, and for two or three of those skills, they were very happy, but the other, which was proofreading, they concluded that I was not up to the job.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, who knows, the proofreading was the critical skill for them, even though I told them I had never been a primary proofreader in a job, always working with others, and this time the workload was greater than I have ever experienced, and I made too many mistakes.

C'est la vie. I am looking for other work now, and I hope they pay me for the last seven days I worked for them. I saw a pattern there of the president declaring that she wasn't going to pay this freelancer or that one, because they screwed up. I talked to a friend yesterday about that, and she suggested I send them an invoice. I will do that.

For the moment I have no income. Unemployment was cut off, but I will call them tomorrow to see if I can reopen my claim from May.

I told my husband that I am ready to let go of our property. He is ill, and I am not able to take care of the place at all if I am out of the house for ten hours each day. We have no little children, so there is no need for me to work to support a mortgage, and still remain totally house-poor.

I intend to paint, and work part time or freelance, and he has his social security, and I told him I would live in a trailer if I could find a studio in which to paint. He doesn't want that, but he agrees that this place is too much for us now.

We took a step today that is important, and called a lawyer about drawing up wills for us. So we got the information together and will get it to him tomorrow. I feel the need to clean up, throw out, have a barn sale, get ready for another role in our lives. My AA sponsor wants us to meet with two people she thinks can help us, how I don't know. We have to investigate whether we can even sell some of our land, as there are issues involved that we need to find out about. Also, if we can sell the barn with some land on that side of the house. Otherwise, we will have to put up the house for sale. This is really the closest I have come to surrendering to this in the nine years we have been here. I am grieving this loss, as I love this place, but it too much for me to take care of and pay for staying here, and I don't have time to paint.

I am ready to move.

Thanksgiving weekend--lots of good food, lovely company, and some time for reflection. Last year at this time I did not know that my husband had a life-threatening, rare illness, and I was still at my old job--although sending out resumes, as the work-flow had dried up to almost nothing.

One year later--we have not faced any major changes, yet with the diagnosis there is always something on my mind about him.

I entered some paintings in a show, and when I lost my job in May was able to devote some time to creating new paintings. I submitted some images to a non-profit art org, and was accepted into another show. So--two shows this year.

Started working again for a new employer, but I know in my heart that I will not be there for long. The job culture is too unhappy, and my workload too extreme. When I make mistakes, I am treated badly. I do not defend my self, as I really don't want to be there. There are some things about the job I do like, and am learning a few things. I do not feel liked there, and my ego is struggling with that. But I am keeping restraint of tongue and pen, and talking to others outside about my experiences. So as long as I can pick up the check each week, I will keep showing up, until they say not to. At least the days fly by.

Because I was truthful with unemployment about turning down a job that I felt wasn't right for me, I lost my unemployment for the time being. I did reply to an inquiry letter that allowed me to plead my case, but they don't seem to have room for one to turn down a reasonable offer of work. I had to explain why, in my case, it didn't seem like a reasonable offer. We shall see if they will allow me to continue on unemployment, as I might need it if this current job ceases. Also the transition into the new place was taxing, and as I am getting older such transitions are harder. However, retirement is out of the question, for at least three years, and we need to find a way even then to do it. We need to explore selling the barn, or selling some acreage that we have, but are in doubt as to whether we could even sell it. It is a luxury problem. I am praying for a way to earn a living that doesn't sap all my energy. Sometimes I feel that I made the wrong choices, but I know that is self-pity, and I also know I did the best I could, with my character defects and all.

Wow, re-reading the above, I see that I am in my usual winter-approaching mode of thought--which calls for a remedy of a bright light next to my face in the morning.

I clicked on Laughing Knees, and he seems to have stopped writing in his weblog. Maybe it is just the way it goes. It becomes too much of a burden, when life heats up and gets very busy. There is only so much energy for such things. When I was sitting in front of my computer at my old job for two years, with the uneasiness of knowing that there wasn't much work coming in, and running out of ancillary projects to make up, writing in the blog was a minor pasttime, and helped to while away the time. Now, time is precious, and I am not too connected to writing here so much.

However, I appreciate the comments from those who click here every so often, and I hope you have a great holiday weekend, and can find a lot to be thankful for in your lives. I am working on the awareness that I choose what I think, and when I feel the sadness rising up--whether it is seasonal, or whether it is the unknowing of what is to come with my husband, I try to choose life and love and this moment. Sometimes it is harder than other times to do that but it is worth the effort.